ABSENT...

I have been absent from blogging for awhile now...I have been writing...quite often actually. Some things I post as a note on Facebook...somethings I just write for Maxwell to read later. Yes Beth, I am working on that journal for him! Tonight I guess I find myself back here, mainly because I realized how much I missed blogging and writing, and how it is such a release for my soul. This past year has gown by so quickly. It seems like yesterday I walked Maxwell into Ms. Dosek's Kindergarten class, he was excited, I was in tears ( and cast). I cried that morning. I cried tears of joy and tears of sadness. This year has been a year of ups and downs. He LOVES school. He LOVES Ms Dosek. He is his mother's child, because he also LOVES to talk. This has led to a few red light days. But all and all, it has been a great start to his education. I was reminded today, that he is almost a first grader (officially). Where does the time go? I want it back! I miss my little prince. But that can't happen. So I continue to watch him grow. It is a pleasure to watch his personality develop. He is a Funny kid! He looks like his father (in many ways) with a dash of the Thompson thrown in for good measure. And just like his father...he must look good when he walks out the door. That child looks in the mirror at least 4 times before we leave. Never did I think I would have to lower the mirrors in my house for my son! He is a wonderful little boy, who like his mother and sister, has now decided he will be going to ECU. He wanted to go with Claire this coming year, however, I have explained he has to wait awhile. He conceded when I offered to take him back to Greenville to visit his sister and watch a football game. He now asks when! He has gotten to see Claire more these days, due to her being able to drive. That has been good for him. He loves her dearly (as long as she isn't kissing all over him). That is the one thing I often regret...the fact that Claire and Maxwell don't have the brother/sister bond that I have with Bryan. But one can only do so much and continue to pray that God will continue to find opportunities for them to be together and get to know each other more. Well, enough of my rambling for the evening. Hopefully this is the re-start to my blogging and sharing those Adventures that happen here on Ammons Drive....Night!

Missing

After 21 years one might think that the grieving of a loved one would have passed by now. But that is not true. Dad has been dead going on 21 years. Most days, I don't stop and dwell or "grieve" aloud. But then there are moments that pop up and it hits....It hits hard. I think of what he is missing...what I missed...what his Grandchildren missed. He was a great man (yes he has been on a pedestal to me for 30+ years and will remain there). He had a good heart. And he had the most beautiful blue eyes this side of heaven. God saw it fit to give those blue eyes to his children and grandchildren too. Tonight I saw those eyes in my son...and although I have looked into Maxwell's eyes for six years and saw a glimmer here or there...today I saw HIM. This was a truly bittersweet moment for me. At that very moment when I looked into those Big Blue Eyes, Maxwell said "I love you". In my heart, that was Daddy. So how do you explain tears to your six year old? How do you explain spontaneous emotion? You don't try. You just say “I Love you too" and smile. I miss my father....probably more than anyone on this earth. After all, I was the poster child of a Daddy's Girl. I hung the Moon according to him. So when the moments arise, I stop. I stop and pray. I stop and pray for peace. I stop and pray for God to send me some sign that Dad is still with me. And God always answers my prayers. So tonight, if you are missing someone, stop and pray. God has a plan. God doesn't take our loved ones away from us completely. They are in our hearts always. And if we choose to stop and look around we see bits and pieces of them. I see it in Sophia's spunk. I see it in Nina's giving heart. I see it in Bryan's face. And on nights like tonight, I get the wonderful privilege of hearing it and seeing it, as Maxwell looked at me with those Big Blue Eyes and said I love you!

A Gift...Maxwell Turns 6!

As I sit here tonight, I find myself in reflection. Reflection on the night six years ago today. A reflection on the past six years. You see, six years ago tonight, I went into labor. That moment in time where your life changes....FOREVER. Being the independent gal that I am, I refused to wake anyone in the house, Claire had school and I didn't want her to spend the evening in the hospital and David was tired. So I walked the steps. I vacuumed the floor. I watched a lot of TV and I dealt with the pain. After all, the doctors had said labor would take a while since it was my first. So I thought I could labor at home for most of the time and then call everyone in the morning and go to the hospital. Well, about 5:15 am that changed...So I woke everyone in the house and we set out for the hospital. On the way, we called Claire's grandmother to pick her up, David hit every pothole in Winston and Claire asked about 1000 times if it hurt. We arrived around 5:45am and they told me it would be awhile since it was my first (the second time hearing this). So I was asked David to go get the bag out of the car and call my family to let them know. He was going to get the phone, bag, camera, etc. and I kept telling the nurse something wasn't right. She finally checked to see that I was in labor. No time for drugs. No time to break down the bed. No time to get the bag. Not time for anything. The doctor walked in after the nurse delivered the head. Maxwell was born at 5:52 am. My life changed forever...for the better.



That little man has been the highlight of my life. I remember his first smile (at Mommy of course). I remember the first time he slept through the night (for Daddy of course). I remember so much. And yet, though you think you will never forget, I look through his baby book and read things I had forgotten. He stayed with Grandma Hinshaw for the first time so I could go to the movie when he was just 6 weeks old. He stayed all day with Aunt Peggy at 12 weeks. He met his Uncle Christian at 5 months old at Fairview Chicken Pie Supper. He got his first tooth at 6 months. Uncle Monroe held him for the first time at 8 months. And the list goes on. I am glad I wrote these things down. I am glad more for me right now than for him. I want to remember. He could care less. But I continue to reflect on all he has done and accomplished over the last 6 years. He has grown tall....He is full of joy. His laugh brings a smile to my face, even on the saddest of days. His is smart little cookie. He loves to LEARN! I get great joy each night when he reads bedtime stories to me. Sometimes I ask if I can read to him, and sometimes I get yes...sometimes I get no, I can read by myself. I remember the night he told me that he didn't want the rocker in his room anymore. I went in my room and cried. (The rocker is still there! I haven't had the heart to move it yet).

However, as I try to hold on tight to these memories and my little boy, I also know that I must let go...just a little, so he can continue to grow. I will continue to cherish each day I spend with him. And the good Lord willing, it will be a lot more! By God's grace, mercy and guidance, along with the help of family and friends, Maxwell has become a well-rounded little boy. He is blessed by so many. Maxwell knows love. Maxwell knows God. Maxwell knows support. (It truly takes a village. And I am grateful to everyone that loves him and supports him. You can never have too much love.) So in just a few hours, I will wake that little boy (if he hasn't woken me up first) and I will wish him happy birthday. He will have a few gifts (LEGOS and books, of course). There will be a party (later) and he will eat cake. However I am the one who ALWAYS gets the best gift. God gave me Maxwell Arthur Weber 6 years ago, on April 27, 2005. And it is the gift that keeps on giving. It is the gift of joy. The gift of laughter. The gift of patience. The gift of love. So many gifts, wrapped in one. And I feel so fortunate to be the recipient of the priceless treasure. Happy Birthday, my sweet Little Man!
PS....He still is wearing a Crown 6 years later as my Little PRINCE:)

Remembering Martha and Finding Peace

Death is a very difficult concept. It is something so many fear. They fear it for many reasons, but mainly because of the unknown. I have dealt with death time and time again for 28 years. The first death I remember was my grandfather Robert. Many think I was "to young", but contrary to belief I remember watching him die. I remember sitting at his bed side and watching my mother feed him. I remember how "sad" he looked. I remember wanting him to not be sad anymore. I was only 2, but I remember. What that meant to me was different than my adult perspective, but nonetheless the same. Peace for those dying. I then remember the death of my father at the age of 9. Probably one of the most difficult deaths I have experienced to this day. I remember how sad he had looked the weeks and days prior to his death. I didn't know he was dying, but I do remember he wasn't "happy". I remember seeing my brother cry for the first time ever and the pain I felt for him and myself. I remember Ms. Shamel at the funeral and her smile that was so reassuring that Life was going to be ok. I remember my mother crying, A LOT. And yet, through all of that I remember the immense PEACE I felt. Many have come and gone since that death. My grandmothers, both whom I loved dearly, impacted my life in ways that I could never explain. Close friends, other family members, and even other children have passed away and I have dealt with them all with an amazing Peace always present. I wondered a lot today about death and dying and how people cope differently with this “taboo" subject. I think, talk, pray and listen to music....and there I find peace. It isn't that the peace is somewhere and you have to "find" it. It is always there, you just have to wait and pray for it. God gives it freely. God gives it at the right time. But God always gives it. And He has never let me down. Peace is a gift. Peace comes in different forms for each of us. For me today it was the smile on a mother's face as she praised God for the gift of her daughter. Peace was a young girl who found a relationship with God because of a teacher willing to share her gifts. Peace was a friend who wrote a poem that reminds us all to look for our loved ones, because their body may be gone, but they are still here on earth in our hearts, thoughts, and memories.

The Bible speaks of Peace multiple times.

In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven ... A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

In Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

In John 14:27 Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

And Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.

There are many more. This is just a few. But you see God gives us peace. He gives it abundantly. He gives it freely. And He is the only one who can truly give the peace we all look for during times of difficulty and when dealing with death. I am one who has never feared death. (Don’t get me wrong I am not signing up for it either, not just yet) I wondered tonight why I don't have that fear of death. Is it because all my life I have "dealt" with death? Is it because I have lost so many people in my life that I have become callous to death? Is it because I have come so close to death myself that I know it to personally? I don't think it is any of these. I think it is because I know HIS peace. I know that he is with me. I know that my heart may break, but He will give me Peace to endure. Peace that passes all understanding. So as I finish this and go to bed, I am at peace. Peace with the death of a friend. Peace with living. And Peace I leave with you. If you are having troubles, then stop, pray and leave your heart open. Because it is then, with an open heart, that peace can enter in. He will give you peace. And He does not disappoint.

Rest in Peace Sweet Martha.

.

Struggles: A note written last August

All of us, as we travel through life, struggle from time to time. I have known few people who have not; although there is an occasional person who will tell me they have never had a difficult time. I find this surprising, especially after I have learned a little about such a person’s life. Often there have been struggles and either someone else handled the problems or, the person who believed there were none, was simply totally unaware.

Our struggles are as different as we are. Some of us, in our most reflective moments, even struggle with God. We try to define and redefine what God is in our rapidly changing world. We wonder where God is and why it seems our prayers are not answered. This struggle to understand and comprehend the nature of God did not originate with us. The stories in our Bible reveal that people in early history and at a far simpler time of life also took a while to grasp what their God was all about.

Jacob caught a better glimpse of God in a dream. We are often told that dreams come about when we are at rest and that they help us process what is going on in our daily lives. I’ve had a few doozies lately that I am trying to decipher. Eventually, I know that all that is seen dimly now will be seen more clearly. Jacob’s dream was reassuring for him. In spite of the underhanded things he had done to secure his brother’s birthright, God spoke to Jacob in his dream telling him that he was special and that God would be with him, always. A bit later in the story Jacob has an actual physical struggle with God to further convince him of God’s presence with him and God’s strength.

One would think that, following such episodes with God, Jacob would straighten up and behave himself. But, he never quite did. He might appear to be moving along on a proper path when something would happen to cause him to revert to his old ways.

But we know how that is. We can decide to live a better life and be moving along quite well, when something pops up to thwart our progress. That is human nature. I am struggling today. I guess I have been pushing things down and "moving on" for awhile now. But today those struggles won to battle. A co-worker asked how I was doing, and with a smile (as usual) I said "GREAT!” She said "I don't get it Lisa, you come in everyday with a smile on your face, even after all that you have gone through this year and you are doing Great! You are in 2 casts, and still "Great". I wish I had your outlook and optimism." At this point I think it really hit me. She is right, I get so caught up and focused on the Good, that I ignore the reality. But today, it hit me. And I am struggling. Those of you, who REALLY know me, know that this is hard for me to admit. But I have to admit it to myself. I have struggled today with God. I have questioned Him. I questioned and yelled. I have asked why have 4 of my friends and family passed away this year from Cancer? Why are 2 of my friends dying of Cancer? And Why am I still here? Why? I don't say any of this with an ungrateful heart. As I am very Grateful that I get to see my little boy go to Kindergarten this week. (Even as I cry watching him leave). I am grateful to play with my nieces and hear their laughter. I am grateful to have watched Claire become a beautiful young lady. I AM GRATEFUL. But I still struggle. I tell my friends and family members often, "find the Rainbow"... and I truly believe that there is a Rainbow to be found in every Storm. But today, those clouds are blocking my view. I know that God has a plan for me. And I am glad, because my plans never seem to go right anyway. I guess I am just feeling a bit unworthy of the gifts I have been given. And at the same time a bit Angry that God's plans for those that I love and have lost was different. I miss my dad. I miss my grandmothers. I know it is not for me to understand God. It is not for me to understand His plan. He sees a big picture where I only see one piece of the puzzle. So tonight, I pray not for healing, not for understanding, but for peace. Peace from my struggle. And I pray with a grateful heart. The parable tells us that the good and the bad grow together but the bad will eventually come to some sort of justice. The journey may be hard and we may struggle but it is the way we grow while resisting the weeds that matters. Very often the way we grow depends on the way we choose to see things and life around us. Much of our happiness or unhappiness is a result of our perception. We see some problems as challenges that energize us to action and others as obstacles that stop further progress. It's just the way we see it. And sometimes we see new situations as fun, and other times we see them as fearful.

Jacob chose to see his situation in a new way that came to him through a dream. We all need to become more alert to the presence of God that permeates our lives and sustains us through all struggles. It is never too late for us to find a new way of seeing and being.

Blog Party

Today I'm participating in a Blog Party to celebrate a friend's blog buddy who has adopted one of God's children. I'm linking up to her blog and could even win some really cool prizes so if you're interested you should link up too by heading here: http://filledwithpraise.blogspot.com/2010/06/lets-get-this-party-started.html

All you have to do to participate is answer 5 ice-breaker questions. Here are my answers..

If you could have dinner with any person (past or present) who would it be?
Well, I have thought about this before and the face that always pops in my head first is Dad. I feel, as an adult, that I never got a chance for closure.Yet it is this experience that made me who I am today. I try to tell people daily, that I love them, as you never know when that will be the last time you see them here on earth. So, I know God has a plan, but I miss him dearly and I would love to hear him tell me "I hung the Moon" just once more. Maybe those will be the first words I hear when we meet again.


What is your most embarrassing moment that you are willing to share with the blogging world?

Embarrassing moment....well...I have many...most involve my brother embarrassing me in one way or another, but isn't that what older brothers are for? I recall once, while at the pool, he flipping me out of my float and my top coming off. He laughed...I fumed!

If you could only use one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

Grateful...I am truely grateful to God each and every single day. Grateful for the big things and the small things. Grateful for another day to watch my kids grow. Grateful to teach. Grateful for a wonderful family. Grateful for life. God is SO good to me. Even when I feel like my plate is full, I try to remember God trust me to handle everything I am given and I am grateful for the opportunity. Most of Gratitude is "atitude". “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” How can you not be grateful?

You found a machine that allows you to fast forward your life to a moment or to rewind your life to a certain moment, but it can only be used for one moment. Would you fast forward or rewind and to which moment would you choose?

Well, rewinding would change who I am NOW and fast forwarding might change how I will be in the fuure, so I think that I am one of the few, who ,given the choice, would do niether. You see I have but a small picture of God's big plan. I know if he wanted me to know more of the plan, I would see it. I have faith in that, so why would I change. Life is to short to FF>> through it and the past is just that, the PAST. If you <...be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee" (Hebrews 13:5). So I am content.

What is your favorite simple blessing in life?

I have so many simple blessings in my life! I am truly BLESSED! However, one of my favorite simple blessings is when Maxwell crawls in my bed early in the morning and sticks his COLD, yet soft feet in between my knees and throws his arm around me and we snuggle. It gives me such joy to know that he wants to "comfort me" with his arm around me and me to comfort him by warming up his feet.

Well there you go. My answers to the five questions. I thought it would be easy to answer them. However, more than anything it was REFLECTIVE! So thanks for sharing Angela. Glad I took the time to do this tonight!

We celebrate!

So over the course of the last few days we have celebrated several times, and with great excitement each time, the fact that Maxwell is 5 years old. It all began April 27 at 5 am! Yes, I said 5 am! Maxwell woke me up at 5 am to ask, "Am I 5 yet?" Well It seemed only fitting, since he was born at 5:52am that he was awake that early! I told him, NO! It was time to go back to sleep:) That worked only for a few more minutes. So we began the celebration of his birthday early. He asked if Daddy new he was 5, to which, I replied, I think so, but you can call and make sure. So he did. Hey Mommy was up, why not Daddy too! This was not such a good idea, because by 7:15 am, much of the family had been called to make sure they all knew that Maxwell was 5! He excitedly reported to each member that he could go to Kindergarten now. This led to another conversation that finally ended with " They are closed until August, so you must wait". This is the only answer that would do. But as a teacher and Mommy, I was very excited that he wanted to go to school and learn. I sure hope that he holds on to that feeling.
For dinner, since it was Tuesday, he assumed we were going to Chic-fil-a, as this is our normal for the week (Kids eat free!). But earlier, with some suggestions from Aunt Sharon, he had decided he wanted to go "see where they set things on fire at your table". Off to Kanpai. Dinner was wonderful, with a special cake from the Thompson clan for all to share. The night was complete after a dancing session at the Thompson house. The celebrations continued on Friday with a party at school and more cupcakes, and then the beg Finale on Sunday afternoon at the Children's Museum. In Lieu of gifts, our donations this year went towards Victory Junction Gang, and I am proud to say we raised almost $200. Maxwell did get more than enough gifts as well, and he enjoyed having all his friends come and play with him.
So, as he continues to grow, I want to thank each and every one of you for making his 5th birthday a true celebration of his life. You all have made his life more enriched, just by loving him.
May we each celebrate LIFE with the same enthusiasm that Maxwell has celebrated his short 5 years!