All of us, as we travel through life, struggle from time to time. I have known few people who have not; although there is an occasional person who will tell me they have never had a difficult time. I find this surprising, especially after I have learned a little about such a person’s life. Often there have been struggles and either someone else handled the problems or, the person who believed there were none, was simply totally unaware.
Our struggles are as different as we are. Some of us, in our most reflective moments, even struggle with God. We try to define and redefine what God is in our rapidly changing world. We wonder where God is and why it seems our prayers are not answered. This struggle to understand and comprehend the nature of God did not originate with us. The stories in our Bible reveal that people in early history and at a far simpler time of life also took a while to grasp what their God was all about.
Jacob caught a better glimpse of God in a dream. We are often told that dreams come about when we are at rest and that they help us process what is going on in our daily lives. I’ve had a few doozies lately that I am trying to decipher. Eventually, I know that all that is seen dimly now will be seen more clearly. Jacob’s dream was reassuring for him. In spite of the underhanded things he had done to secure his brother’s birthright, God spoke to Jacob in his dream telling him that he was special and that God would be with him, always. A bit later in the story Jacob has an actual physical struggle with God to further convince him of God’s presence with him and God’s strength.
One would think that, following such episodes with God, Jacob would straighten up and behave himself. But, he never quite did. He might appear to be moving along on a proper path when something would happen to cause him to revert to his old ways.
But we know how that is. We can decide to live a better life and be moving along quite well, when something pops up to thwart our progress. That is human nature. I am struggling today. I guess I have been pushing things down and "moving on" for awhile now. But today those struggles won to battle. A co-worker asked how I was doing, and with a smile (as usual) I said "GREAT!” She said "I don't get it Lisa, you come in everyday with a smile on your face, even after all that you have gone through this year and you are doing Great! You are in 2 casts, and still "Great". I wish I had your outlook and optimism." At this point I think it really hit me. She is right, I get so caught up and focused on the Good, that I ignore the reality. But today, it hit me. And I am struggling. Those of you, who REALLY know me, know that this is hard for me to admit. But I have to admit it to myself. I have struggled today with God. I have questioned Him. I questioned and yelled. I have asked why have 4 of my friends and family passed away this year from Cancer? Why are 2 of my friends dying of Cancer? And Why am I still here? Why? I don't say any of this with an ungrateful heart. As I am very Grateful that I get to see my little boy go to Kindergarten this week. (Even as I cry watching him leave). I am grateful to play with my nieces and hear their laughter. I am grateful to have watched Claire become a beautiful young lady. I AM GRATEFUL. But I still struggle. I tell my friends and family members often, "find the Rainbow"... and I truly believe that there is a Rainbow to be found in every Storm. But today, those clouds are blocking my view. I know that God has a plan for me. And I am glad, because my plans never seem to go right anyway. I guess I am just feeling a bit unworthy of the gifts I have been given. And at the same time a bit Angry that God's plans for those that I love and have lost was different. I miss my dad. I miss my grandmothers. I know it is not for me to understand God. It is not for me to understand His plan. He sees a big picture where I only see one piece of the puzzle. So tonight, I pray not for healing, not for understanding, but for peace. Peace from my struggle. And I pray with a grateful heart. The parable tells us that the good and the bad grow together but the bad will eventually come to some sort of justice. The journey may be hard and we may struggle but it is the way we grow while resisting the weeds that matters. Very often the way we grow depends on the way we choose to see things and life around us. Much of our happiness or unhappiness is a result of our perception. We see some problems as challenges that energize us to action and others as obstacles that stop further progress. It's just the way we see it. And sometimes we see new situations as fun, and other times we see them as fearful.
Jacob chose to see his situation in a new way that came to him through a dream. We all need to become more alert to the presence of God that permeates our lives and sustains us through all struggles. It is never too late for us to find a new way of seeing and being.
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