A letter to Maxwell...

June 10, 2016

My Dearest Maxwell,


Even before you were born I knew that you were destined for greatness: To be a great person who will achieve many great accomplishments, and make great changes in the lives of many people. You have never proven me wrong, although you have tried many times, and you have certainly made my life a great one, full of happiness, exhaustion, pride, more exhaustion love and joy. You are a gift from God to me and to everyone around you.

Maxwell, you and I have always been a great team; from the day I discovered you were growing within me, you have been a fighter for me and I have been there to fight for and support you. You and I are a family, a small one maybe, but with all of the love, praying, strength, happiness, caring, productivity, efforts, joy, hard work, fun times together, trials we have faced together, enormous Blessings from God that we have received together, illnesses where we have taken care of each other, disappointments in friends, all of the life learning experiences, all of the temporary obstacles which we made into stepping stones, all of our disagreements along with our agreements, the everyday ups and downs, we are actually an extremely large family in all that we have faced, achieved, conquered, and held onto our Faith and let God sail us through the storms to calm peaceful waters.

Son, you are enormous. You are my motivation, my inspiration, and my strength. When life has given me an emotional roller coaster you have been my inner strength in the outward form. You have been my reason for fighting, because you began this life of yours as a fighter. More than the best team member one could hope for, you are the best family member one could ever dream of having, and you are my everyday joy and happiness, as well as my comfort and strength; and, as well as being my son who I could never be more prouder of, even on days that you have fallen short of your potential.

Maxwell, my son, you are in control of your life, and you must remember that every single choice you make will determine the way that your life will be. Never forget this, and always think carefully and make the right choices. Never be spontaneous whenever it comes to making choices regarding your life. God will always guide you, but you must remain in constant communication with Him; and always stay aware of God, and be open and clear headed to receive His messages; and you will never miss or ignore any of God’s messages signs and directions for you.

As you begin a new chapter in your life of middle school,  always remember not to dwell in the past but to learn from it. Always remember to stay focused on your present and your future; and to live and enjoy each day to the fullest. Fill each day with love and laughter, pleasant and happy thoughts, kind words, and kind deeds, and always remember to give thanks to God for everything. You see, academics is important. I will never discount that fact. But the person you CHOOSE to be in the world is more important than all the A’s in your classes. Being a God fearing, people loving, kind person will take you farther than any grades could ever hope for in the world. Your heart is big. Your love is unmeasurable. You just have to remember to show the world your good. But be careful when doing so. Always speak your truth clearly, and always speak up for yourself, for as you have experienced, people are only too happy for you to take the blame for them. By not defending yourself you will be given the blame. Adhere to what you believe in and what you know to be right. Never let anyone or anything convince you to detour from the right path, not even for a second. Always be a leader and not a follower, and always lead in the right direction. There will often be times when you will lead and no one will follow. As long as you have made the right choices, and are leading on the right path and in the right direction, do not dismay. Keep on leading, and do not look back or slow down son, but continue moving forward and rising upward.

My sweet boy, you are an intelligent, analytical, caring, and are becoming a fine young man who is destined to accomplish much, and affect many lives positively. Let nothing or no one deter you from this destiny. As you enter middle school, you will encounter many false people in this world. I pray they are few and far between and you don’t become one yourself.  As I have told you so many times, not everyone who claims to be your friend really is one. Friends prove themselves by their actions and not their words. Sadly, many so called friends will envy you and try to pull you down to their level. These are the people that you must immediately cut yourself off from, and you can teach them by example, but do not befriend them as they will be like an anchor around your neck, pulling you down into the quicksand of their own idle and non- productive lives. Some of them will seek to ruin you for the simple fact that you are successful. Hopefully, you can make a positive difference in the way these people think, but teach them from afar, way afar.

Do not be easily tempted. Temptation and the Devil disguise themselves well, and most attractively. Temptations will be everywhere but keep your head to the sky. Ignore all temptations no matter how enticing they may appear to be. Walk with God and in times of need reach out for God and ask Him for His help, and God will take your hand, and He will guide you and protect you. Always keep praying to God, and keep in constant communication with him through prayers, talking to Him, and reading about Him. Do not let anyone or anything prevent you from accomplishing all that you have been called to do.

I will always be in your corner, on your side, and there for you, just as I have always been. Maxwell, you are such a wonderful person, and you will always have my love, respect and pride. Apart from God, you are, have always been, and will always be, first and foremost in my life. More than anything else, I wish for you the very best of God’s richest blessings. God has truly blessed me as I have been, and will always and forever be your mother which is indeed a great honor.

My dearest treasured son, there will be bad days, bad people, bad choices, and bad temptations. But at the end of the day, you must be able to look in the mirror and be proud of yourself. No amount of love that I can give will change your responsibility to yourself and God. You must do that on your own. But I will always be here to guide you, correct you, and love you, because that is what a mother does for her son.

You were my wish granted 11 years ago. And each day that I pray for you to become the person God has intended you to be. You see my plans may be greatly different from God’s. So many years ago I stopped praying for my plan for you to come to fruition and began praying God’s plan for you become visible. Listen and look for God. He is everywhere. He is in the voice in your mind that says “don’t do that”, He is in the paper you wrote in 3rd grade about God being your hero. He is in the teacher that tells you new information. He is the friend that plays tag with you. And I can promise you this, HE is in your mother’s voice when she says I love you.

I love you my sweet and precious gift from God. I am proud you.  

My Wish…..

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you wanna go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you live,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah, yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish (my wish, for you).

This is my wish (my wish, for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you (my wish, for you).
May all your dreams stay big (my wish, for you)

I love you to the moon and back…..foerver and ever and always….more than anything in the whole wide world…..

MOM

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 12

Something you don't leave the house without...

Well I have 5 staples that go with me everywhere..

1) Maxwell
2) Phone
3) Keys
4) Debit card
5) Drivers License

Ok...Let's Roll!

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11

Favorite TV Shows:
Currently my favorite TV Shows are:
Army Wives

Desperate Housewives

Grey's Anatomy

Mike and Molly: Can't embed...but click the link!

Mike and Molly



Law and Order SVU

Off the Map

Body of Proof

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10

Something your afraid of...

Well this one is easy. Every student I have ever taught can tell you what scares me most. I am scared of Spiders! It wasn't always this way, however in 2003, I was bite by a brown recluse, and that did me in! I even have a hard time looking a a picture of one! EWWWW!

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 9

A picture of your best friend...
Well I have several people I consider my best friends...therefore I am editing and posting them all

 

We Interupt the Blog Challege with a Special Post

This past week a friend called out of the blue and offered Maxwell and I the opportunity to go to the beach with her and her grandson. We don't see each other very often theses days, due to her working at a different school now. That said, Maxwell and I appreciated the offer and joined them. It was great to catch up on the girl talk and find out where life had taken her these days. We talked about work, we talked about kids, we talked about shopping and we had fun! Maxwell and Dylan had a good time too! Although the expected 5/6 year old issues arose on occasion, overall everyone had a good time. We ate, we played, we went swimming, we dug in the sand, we rested, and altough we applied sunscreen several times, we got burned! Maxwell wanted to stay another day ( and I think everyone else did also) Enjoy the snapshots! I promise it is only of the kids in their suits...we adults chose to opt out! Sorry K couldn't go, however Maxwell and I were appreciative of the chance to be a substitute! Thanks E!

                                                     

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 8

A Place I have Traveled to:
I have traveled many places in my life...I am very fortunate to have had the opportunities afforded to me. I am trying to expose my child to the world around him as well. That said, We traveled to Alaska this past summer. Although my health was not what I expected and I got tired easily and my walking ability was limited, we had a blast! Here are a few snapshots of the trip!

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 7

Favorite Movies

Well I have a few favorite movies throughout the years...Here are a few clips from my Top 4 list....

Steel Magnolias


Beaches


Gone With the Wind


Dirty Dancing

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

A Picture of something that makes me Happy....


Well this is an easy post...first of all I don't believe THINGS make people happy. It is a choice. You can choose to happy or you can choose to be bitter and angry, etc etc. But a something that makes me realize how happy I am is my family. So todays blog is just that...a picture of MOST, but not all of my family. And although sometimes they drive me crazy, I am fortunate to have them...and having them around makes me happy:)

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 5

A Song to Match your mood....

Well this always changes of course, however recently the Song Blessings by Laura Story.
Here are the lyrics

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

and here is a link to here it

Blog Challenge Day 4

My Parents:
 Well, I am a fortunate lady. I was not only graced with one set of parents, but I received two! My Mom is Judy. She is retired and working again. She took 6 months off and couldn't stand it. She has a work ethic that goes beyond anything else. Work is her joy and passion.

My dad is Larry. He was a great man that loved baseball and family. He had a great heart, almost to a fault. I think I take after him some days. He passed away July 4, 1990. I was only 9 at the time, therefore the memories are somewhat jaded seeing that I was a Daddy's girl:)

I then have a set of parents that have adopted me as their Daughter. They have 2 wonderful sons, but never had a daughter, so here I am:) It is actually my Mother's sister Roverda and her husband Shermer. They are both retired. Ma is a retired teacher and Pa is retired from Duracell.

Blog Challenge Day 3

My First Love

My first Love was Jesus....I remember the day I was saved. I was at Fort Caswell for a church retreat during the summer. I remember feeling the spirit. I remember singing Awesome God for the first time and I remember the feeling that I was loved by someone/something that I couldn't explain. I had never met Jesus, but I KNEW he loved me and that I loved Him. A love that went beyond the stories from Sunday School. The Bible verses became so clear. I understood the love they were talking about in Matthew. I finally "got it".  I must have been about 10 or 11 years old. I don't recall exact dates.But I do know that summer changed my life...forever. And if you have never felt that kind of love, you are missing out on something truly AMAZING!

This is the Cross At Fort Caswell. It has been there for as long as I can remember. I know all my burdens were laid at that cross 20+ years ago and I am sure I am not the only one.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 2

What is the Meaning behind my Blog name? Well this is an obvious answer....So many adventures in our home which is located on a street called Ammons.....that was very self explanatory! Any questions?

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 1

Introduction
Well who am I? If you are reading this, I am sorry to disappoint...I am no one famous. I am an ordinary 30-something single mom. I am an elementary school teacher ( and love it 95% of the time). I am a christian. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend. I have many titles. But most of all, I am who God made me to be and I struggle every day at reaching for the person God wants me to be.

This is a photo of Maxwell and I taken by the amazingly talented Claudia Page Carter (The Portrait Gallery). This was taken at Tanglewood on a very hot May afternoon this past year. This was a Mother's Day present to myself after a long difficult year. One of my favorite purchases if I must say so myself!

15 Facts

1. I am an ECU graduate and a VERY proud Pirate!
2. I am a cancer survivor (twice)!
3. My favorite color is periwinkle
4. I enjoy knitting and reading
5. Although I don't enjoy writing things I HAVE to write about, I do enjoy writing.
6. I was inspired to teach by my Aunt Roverda and my fifth grade teacher Mrs. Harris.
7. I have a dream of visiting Italy, The Holy Land, and South Africa before I leave this world.
8. I love spending time with my son...I can't imagine my life without him
9. My favorite food is anything pasta!
10. My favorite sport to watch is Football and Baseball
11. My favorite sport to participate is softball and swimming
12. I have been married and divorced and don't regret it. I have a wonderful son, Maxwell. And I got the privilege to be apart of Claire's life for a many years.
13. I have a close bond with my brother, even if he still annoys me at times
14. I have a dear mother who will be there for me, if I ask.
15. My least favorite chore is doing dishes and putting away laundry.

A Visit with Aunt E

Maxwell has a Great Aunt E. She is an amazing women when you get to know her. She was married to a wonderful man ( Uncle Herbert) for many years. But she is more than than just Uncle Herbert's wife. She is a writer...she has written many hymns (over 1000) one of which is in the Moravian Book of Worship that Most Moravian use each Sunday. She is a wonderful wealth of knowledge and history, that she will share with you at any point. (just ask). But when you ask Maxwell about Aunt E, his response is she has the best hill to play on, she plays ball really good, and she always has the best treats at her house! She never had any children of her own, but she sure does spoil Maxwell and love him as much as she could her own child. She bought him this wonderful Blue ball to play with this past weekend when we went to visit. And she played catch with him. At almost 90, she still has the energy and warmth in her heart to play with a 6 year old little boy. I am glad that Maxwell gets the chance to be around those who love him. Here are a few photos of our Visit. I didn't take many, as the battery in my phone died! Enjoy!

ABSENT...

I have been absent from blogging for awhile now...I have been writing...quite often actually. Some things I post as a note on Facebook...somethings I just write for Maxwell to read later. Yes Beth, I am working on that journal for him! Tonight I guess I find myself back here, mainly because I realized how much I missed blogging and writing, and how it is such a release for my soul. This past year has gown by so quickly. It seems like yesterday I walked Maxwell into Ms. Dosek's Kindergarten class, he was excited, I was in tears ( and cast). I cried that morning. I cried tears of joy and tears of sadness. This year has been a year of ups and downs. He LOVES school. He LOVES Ms Dosek. He is his mother's child, because he also LOVES to talk. This has led to a few red light days. But all and all, it has been a great start to his education. I was reminded today, that he is almost a first grader (officially). Where does the time go? I want it back! I miss my little prince. But that can't happen. So I continue to watch him grow. It is a pleasure to watch his personality develop. He is a Funny kid! He looks like his father (in many ways) with a dash of the Thompson thrown in for good measure. And just like his father...he must look good when he walks out the door. That child looks in the mirror at least 4 times before we leave. Never did I think I would have to lower the mirrors in my house for my son! He is a wonderful little boy, who like his mother and sister, has now decided he will be going to ECU. He wanted to go with Claire this coming year, however, I have explained he has to wait awhile. He conceded when I offered to take him back to Greenville to visit his sister and watch a football game. He now asks when! He has gotten to see Claire more these days, due to her being able to drive. That has been good for him. He loves her dearly (as long as she isn't kissing all over him). That is the one thing I often regret...the fact that Claire and Maxwell don't have the brother/sister bond that I have with Bryan. But one can only do so much and continue to pray that God will continue to find opportunities for them to be together and get to know each other more. Well, enough of my rambling for the evening. Hopefully this is the re-start to my blogging and sharing those Adventures that happen here on Ammons Drive....Night!

Missing

After 21 years one might think that the grieving of a loved one would have passed by now. But that is not true. Dad has been dead going on 21 years. Most days, I don't stop and dwell or "grieve" aloud. But then there are moments that pop up and it hits....It hits hard. I think of what he is missing...what I missed...what his Grandchildren missed. He was a great man (yes he has been on a pedestal to me for 30+ years and will remain there). He had a good heart. And he had the most beautiful blue eyes this side of heaven. God saw it fit to give those blue eyes to his children and grandchildren too. Tonight I saw those eyes in my son...and although I have looked into Maxwell's eyes for six years and saw a glimmer here or there...today I saw HIM. This was a truly bittersweet moment for me. At that very moment when I looked into those Big Blue Eyes, Maxwell said "I love you". In my heart, that was Daddy. So how do you explain tears to your six year old? How do you explain spontaneous emotion? You don't try. You just say “I Love you too" and smile. I miss my father....probably more than anyone on this earth. After all, I was the poster child of a Daddy's Girl. I hung the Moon according to him. So when the moments arise, I stop. I stop and pray. I stop and pray for peace. I stop and pray for God to send me some sign that Dad is still with me. And God always answers my prayers. So tonight, if you are missing someone, stop and pray. God has a plan. God doesn't take our loved ones away from us completely. They are in our hearts always. And if we choose to stop and look around we see bits and pieces of them. I see it in Sophia's spunk. I see it in Nina's giving heart. I see it in Bryan's face. And on nights like tonight, I get the wonderful privilege of hearing it and seeing it, as Maxwell looked at me with those Big Blue Eyes and said I love you!

A Gift...Maxwell Turns 6!

As I sit here tonight, I find myself in reflection. Reflection on the night six years ago today. A reflection on the past six years. You see, six years ago tonight, I went into labor. That moment in time where your life changes....FOREVER. Being the independent gal that I am, I refused to wake anyone in the house, Claire had school and I didn't want her to spend the evening in the hospital and David was tired. So I walked the steps. I vacuumed the floor. I watched a lot of TV and I dealt with the pain. After all, the doctors had said labor would take a while since it was my first. So I thought I could labor at home for most of the time and then call everyone in the morning and go to the hospital. Well, about 5:15 am that changed...So I woke everyone in the house and we set out for the hospital. On the way, we called Claire's grandmother to pick her up, David hit every pothole in Winston and Claire asked about 1000 times if it hurt. We arrived around 5:45am and they told me it would be awhile since it was my first (the second time hearing this). So I was asked David to go get the bag out of the car and call my family to let them know. He was going to get the phone, bag, camera, etc. and I kept telling the nurse something wasn't right. She finally checked to see that I was in labor. No time for drugs. No time to break down the bed. No time to get the bag. Not time for anything. The doctor walked in after the nurse delivered the head. Maxwell was born at 5:52 am. My life changed forever...for the better.



That little man has been the highlight of my life. I remember his first smile (at Mommy of course). I remember the first time he slept through the night (for Daddy of course). I remember so much. And yet, though you think you will never forget, I look through his baby book and read things I had forgotten. He stayed with Grandma Hinshaw for the first time so I could go to the movie when he was just 6 weeks old. He stayed all day with Aunt Peggy at 12 weeks. He met his Uncle Christian at 5 months old at Fairview Chicken Pie Supper. He got his first tooth at 6 months. Uncle Monroe held him for the first time at 8 months. And the list goes on. I am glad I wrote these things down. I am glad more for me right now than for him. I want to remember. He could care less. But I continue to reflect on all he has done and accomplished over the last 6 years. He has grown tall....He is full of joy. His laugh brings a smile to my face, even on the saddest of days. His is smart little cookie. He loves to LEARN! I get great joy each night when he reads bedtime stories to me. Sometimes I ask if I can read to him, and sometimes I get yes...sometimes I get no, I can read by myself. I remember the night he told me that he didn't want the rocker in his room anymore. I went in my room and cried. (The rocker is still there! I haven't had the heart to move it yet).

However, as I try to hold on tight to these memories and my little boy, I also know that I must let go...just a little, so he can continue to grow. I will continue to cherish each day I spend with him. And the good Lord willing, it will be a lot more! By God's grace, mercy and guidance, along with the help of family and friends, Maxwell has become a well-rounded little boy. He is blessed by so many. Maxwell knows love. Maxwell knows God. Maxwell knows support. (It truly takes a village. And I am grateful to everyone that loves him and supports him. You can never have too much love.) So in just a few hours, I will wake that little boy (if he hasn't woken me up first) and I will wish him happy birthday. He will have a few gifts (LEGOS and books, of course). There will be a party (later) and he will eat cake. However I am the one who ALWAYS gets the best gift. God gave me Maxwell Arthur Weber 6 years ago, on April 27, 2005. And it is the gift that keeps on giving. It is the gift of joy. The gift of laughter. The gift of patience. The gift of love. So many gifts, wrapped in one. And I feel so fortunate to be the recipient of the priceless treasure. Happy Birthday, my sweet Little Man!
PS....He still is wearing a Crown 6 years later as my Little PRINCE:)

Remembering Martha and Finding Peace

Death is a very difficult concept. It is something so many fear. They fear it for many reasons, but mainly because of the unknown. I have dealt with death time and time again for 28 years. The first death I remember was my grandfather Robert. Many think I was "to young", but contrary to belief I remember watching him die. I remember sitting at his bed side and watching my mother feed him. I remember how "sad" he looked. I remember wanting him to not be sad anymore. I was only 2, but I remember. What that meant to me was different than my adult perspective, but nonetheless the same. Peace for those dying. I then remember the death of my father at the age of 9. Probably one of the most difficult deaths I have experienced to this day. I remember how sad he had looked the weeks and days prior to his death. I didn't know he was dying, but I do remember he wasn't "happy". I remember seeing my brother cry for the first time ever and the pain I felt for him and myself. I remember Ms. Shamel at the funeral and her smile that was so reassuring that Life was going to be ok. I remember my mother crying, A LOT. And yet, through all of that I remember the immense PEACE I felt. Many have come and gone since that death. My grandmothers, both whom I loved dearly, impacted my life in ways that I could never explain. Close friends, other family members, and even other children have passed away and I have dealt with them all with an amazing Peace always present. I wondered a lot today about death and dying and how people cope differently with this “taboo" subject. I think, talk, pray and listen to music....and there I find peace. It isn't that the peace is somewhere and you have to "find" it. It is always there, you just have to wait and pray for it. God gives it freely. God gives it at the right time. But God always gives it. And He has never let me down. Peace is a gift. Peace comes in different forms for each of us. For me today it was the smile on a mother's face as she praised God for the gift of her daughter. Peace was a young girl who found a relationship with God because of a teacher willing to share her gifts. Peace was a friend who wrote a poem that reminds us all to look for our loved ones, because their body may be gone, but they are still here on earth in our hearts, thoughts, and memories.

The Bible speaks of Peace multiple times.

In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven ... A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

In Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

In John 14:27 Peace, I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

And Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.

There are many more. This is just a few. But you see God gives us peace. He gives it abundantly. He gives it freely. And He is the only one who can truly give the peace we all look for during times of difficulty and when dealing with death. I am one who has never feared death. (Don’t get me wrong I am not signing up for it either, not just yet) I wondered tonight why I don't have that fear of death. Is it because all my life I have "dealt" with death? Is it because I have lost so many people in my life that I have become callous to death? Is it because I have come so close to death myself that I know it to personally? I don't think it is any of these. I think it is because I know HIS peace. I know that he is with me. I know that my heart may break, but He will give me Peace to endure. Peace that passes all understanding. So as I finish this and go to bed, I am at peace. Peace with the death of a friend. Peace with living. And Peace I leave with you. If you are having troubles, then stop, pray and leave your heart open. Because it is then, with an open heart, that peace can enter in. He will give you peace. And He does not disappoint.

Rest in Peace Sweet Martha.

.

Struggles: A note written last August

All of us, as we travel through life, struggle from time to time. I have known few people who have not; although there is an occasional person who will tell me they have never had a difficult time. I find this surprising, especially after I have learned a little about such a person’s life. Often there have been struggles and either someone else handled the problems or, the person who believed there were none, was simply totally unaware.

Our struggles are as different as we are. Some of us, in our most reflective moments, even struggle with God. We try to define and redefine what God is in our rapidly changing world. We wonder where God is and why it seems our prayers are not answered. This struggle to understand and comprehend the nature of God did not originate with us. The stories in our Bible reveal that people in early history and at a far simpler time of life also took a while to grasp what their God was all about.

Jacob caught a better glimpse of God in a dream. We are often told that dreams come about when we are at rest and that they help us process what is going on in our daily lives. I’ve had a few doozies lately that I am trying to decipher. Eventually, I know that all that is seen dimly now will be seen more clearly. Jacob’s dream was reassuring for him. In spite of the underhanded things he had done to secure his brother’s birthright, God spoke to Jacob in his dream telling him that he was special and that God would be with him, always. A bit later in the story Jacob has an actual physical struggle with God to further convince him of God’s presence with him and God’s strength.

One would think that, following such episodes with God, Jacob would straighten up and behave himself. But, he never quite did. He might appear to be moving along on a proper path when something would happen to cause him to revert to his old ways.

But we know how that is. We can decide to live a better life and be moving along quite well, when something pops up to thwart our progress. That is human nature. I am struggling today. I guess I have been pushing things down and "moving on" for awhile now. But today those struggles won to battle. A co-worker asked how I was doing, and with a smile (as usual) I said "GREAT!” She said "I don't get it Lisa, you come in everyday with a smile on your face, even after all that you have gone through this year and you are doing Great! You are in 2 casts, and still "Great". I wish I had your outlook and optimism." At this point I think it really hit me. She is right, I get so caught up and focused on the Good, that I ignore the reality. But today, it hit me. And I am struggling. Those of you, who REALLY know me, know that this is hard for me to admit. But I have to admit it to myself. I have struggled today with God. I have questioned Him. I questioned and yelled. I have asked why have 4 of my friends and family passed away this year from Cancer? Why are 2 of my friends dying of Cancer? And Why am I still here? Why? I don't say any of this with an ungrateful heart. As I am very Grateful that I get to see my little boy go to Kindergarten this week. (Even as I cry watching him leave). I am grateful to play with my nieces and hear their laughter. I am grateful to have watched Claire become a beautiful young lady. I AM GRATEFUL. But I still struggle. I tell my friends and family members often, "find the Rainbow"... and I truly believe that there is a Rainbow to be found in every Storm. But today, those clouds are blocking my view. I know that God has a plan for me. And I am glad, because my plans never seem to go right anyway. I guess I am just feeling a bit unworthy of the gifts I have been given. And at the same time a bit Angry that God's plans for those that I love and have lost was different. I miss my dad. I miss my grandmothers. I know it is not for me to understand God. It is not for me to understand His plan. He sees a big picture where I only see one piece of the puzzle. So tonight, I pray not for healing, not for understanding, but for peace. Peace from my struggle. And I pray with a grateful heart. The parable tells us that the good and the bad grow together but the bad will eventually come to some sort of justice. The journey may be hard and we may struggle but it is the way we grow while resisting the weeds that matters. Very often the way we grow depends on the way we choose to see things and life around us. Much of our happiness or unhappiness is a result of our perception. We see some problems as challenges that energize us to action and others as obstacles that stop further progress. It's just the way we see it. And sometimes we see new situations as fun, and other times we see them as fearful.

Jacob chose to see his situation in a new way that came to him through a dream. We all need to become more alert to the presence of God that permeates our lives and sustains us through all struggles. It is never too late for us to find a new way of seeing and being.